wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'

I know this song is about finding a husband, but I feel like the opening line describes so well the way I feel about wanting another baby.

I fall into what they call "unexplained" infertility. And while I am pleased to be so healthy, I sometimes find myself wishing something was wrong so that there could be something to fix-some answer to explain what is going on-but they have nothing.

We have started down the path of more intense fertility treatments and because our mental and physical investment has increased the emotional cost has become so much higher. There are times where my heart feels like it is going to burst from the pain that I feel and I start to wonder if I am strong enough to handle this...

They say not to stress, not to worry, not to get frustrated because it only makes the problem worse, but how can you not do all of those things when something you want more than anything in this world is not working out.

...But, I am trying so hard to focus on the love that I feel from those around me and the prayers that I know are being said in our behalf. I think about the hugs I got from my dad on his way to work on a hard day, and the closeness I feel to God as I have had to rely so completely on him. I remind myself that I am SO lucky to already have a child, especially one as incredible as Ryan, when so many don't even have one. I really am trying to be positive, I just have days where my heart is heavy and today was one of those days...

Their first day

Pete's and Ryan's first days of school happened to be on the same day and ry thought that was really cool;) Pete kind of wanted to kill me when I made him take this picture today. I felt so bad for him; he was using 2 bags and still had to carry some of his books in his hands because he had so many things to take to school. Ryan insisted that he got to wear his favorite shirt and jeans even though it was 90 something degrees outside. Pete said he survived and Ryan said he had a great day because his girlfriend Kate is in his class again this year! I have to admit, I felt a little left out to be the only one in the family not going back to school-I honestly still miss school (I am a nerd at heart). Maybe someday...

change

Pete started his law school orientation last wednesday and ever since I have had a pit in my stomach and I couldn't figure out exactly why I was feeling this way...and then it hit me-change. So much changes with him starting this program. It is an ending and a beginning all at the same time. An ending of our school era and a beginning of new adventures just waiting to be discovered. But those times are hard and they require adjusting and growing and stretching and sometimes I just want to stay where things are comfortable. I have absolutely NO idea where we will be at the end of this because life has taken us down some VERY different paths than we ever had planned. But I do know there is a plan for us and while I don't know the end result I know it will be great. I just need to trust in the plan, but right now my heart is resisting a little as it adjusts to this new direction...

the fastest year of my life

somehow I blinked and a year passed. Pete starts law school orientation next Wednesday. It seems like yesterday that we thought we were moving and then BYU called at literally the very last min and gave us 24 hours to decide if we wanted to wait to start law school until the following year. Everyone told us we needed to take advantage of the time we had before it started, and we definitely did! We traveled to California three times, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Arizona, and the Philippines (Pete actually went twice)! We had some great times, but now I am dreading the huge adjustments that will have to be made when law school starts-we got SO spoiled having Pete around all the time. I just keep telling myself that we felt very strongly this was what we were supposed to do and three years really isn't that long-right???