I feel so vulnerable writing this post, I have thought about it over and over and have been debating back and forth about whether or not to actually post it, but here it goes...
I want another baby-I have actually wanted one for years and haven't been able to.
I really, really don't want to seem like I am complaining-some days are just harder than others and lately things have gotten hard again.
I miscarried in February of 2009 and after that things were hard all the time. The desire for another child became all consuming-sometimes I felt like I was drowning in it. I put walls up around my heart to block out any emotion because I got SO tired of feeling the pain of it breaking each month. I welcomed the stress of applying to law school because it completely distracted me and helped my heart to heal a little bit. I have decided my coping mechanism of feeling numb all the time isn't very healthy so I am trying to let myself hope again. But learning how to hope again is so scary because it opens me back up to feeling things that make me raw inside...
Life is hard, definitely not perfect, not easy, but it can still be wonderful. I know there are things I am learning thru this experience and am so grateful for the gospel to know there is a plan that is so much greater than my understanding. Miracles do happen, I just have to be patient...And I realize the miracles may not be what I expect or want, but they have already happened and will continue to happen.
I am not writing this to get sympathy, or for you to feel bad for me, I want to write this in case there is someone who reads my blog that is going to thru the same thing. I think too often we only post the good things, but no life is perfect and I just want others to know they are not alone in difficult times.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
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19 comments:
Oh Anne, I'm so sorry. I agree, life is hard and never perfect, but yes, it can still be wonderful at the same time. I can so relate to that statement right now. I think it's great that you wrote it down. You know that writing is how I express myself and it always helps me. Hopefully it will help you and I'm sure other people who will relate to it. I just love you and Pete. . .that's all.
Anne, I'm glad you shared this. Fertility is an area where I feel like things are so unfair at times, being one of the most righteous things people can desire...
I think you're wonderful!
Thank you for being so brave, so real, and so vulnerable. It's a nice break from all the other blogs:) You put your situations into words so perfectly and although it is scary, it must be liberating at the same time. You amaze me. I love you and am so grateful for you. I agree with you, miracles do happen... they are all around us and so much bigger than we can comprehend. xoxo
life does seem unfair at times....it is hard to understand why we must go through certain things, whatever they may be. I had a good friend tell me the other day (she hasn't been able to have any kids at all and has been trying for almost 10 years now) that she stopped asking why and instead asks what - what am i supposed to learn.........this is an area i haven't been hit with but in areas I am really struggling with I have tried it and it does help...sometimes! Still, others times it is just hard and I, like you, put up walls to block myself from emotion! I hope so much that things will work out and you will get prego again soon! I am sorry you are having to go through this! You are wonderful! I wish we could have hung out more when I was there - maybe next time I come we can hang! xoxoxoxo merry christmas
Love you, lady! I know where you're at. I'm always here to chat.
Anne, I am so incredibly grateful for your post. My husband and I have been trying to have kids for almost 3 years now and it's so nice to know I'm not alone. I know what you mean about some days being harder than others, this weekend was one of those hard ones and your post was exactly what I needed. Thanks again, and best wishes:)
Anne we love you guys..and I do believe in miricles...and in tender mercies.
I am proud of you and love you so much. One thing I have learned these last years is that no prayer, fasting, or temple service is ever wasted. They all come to fruition in the Lord's time and for His purposes. So I continue to send mine for you heavenward and wait upon Him.
Anne, I am so glad you posted this. It's crazy how many people suffer with infertility, but you never know about it. You said everything perfectly and I can relate to you on so much of what you said. My prayers are with you!
I love you Anne! You are an amazing woman and mama! Hold tight & a miracle will come! xoxo
Tears. I love you. I KNOW. It will be ok! It will work out, I promise. I can look back now and see the blessing in having Zac not when I planned. Just keep going!
I wish I had words of wisdom to share with you right now. All I know is that you have to learn and re-learn how to trust in the Lord and His timing. Most of the time it doesn't make any sense until later (and sometimes it never makes sense). The Lord loves you and wants you to be happy and fulfill your every dream. I love you and think you are fabulous no matter how much space is in between your children ( or any other reason for that matter!) I think about you and pray for you often. :)
(A Novel. Sorry.) I wish I was in Utah so I could give you a hug and a package of Oreo's. This whole procreation thing is sometimes a rough ordeal. Mike and I tried for over a year which doesn't seem like that long now but it didn't make my disappointment every month any less.
It's strange how it happened. We had been in NC for 3 months me being jobless and so homesick I could barely function. We talked about going back on birth control cause at that point it was imperative that I find a job and we felt our window was closing as my joblessness ate up our savings. But that night in my prayers I told Heavenly Father I really wanted a baby more than anything else even a job and that week I got pregnant.....and got a job:) It's strange but it all happened that way for a reason. Chin up my friend:) You are very loved.
Anne,
My heart goes out to you. I admire you so much. You may be young, but you have so much wisdom and so much to goodness in you. (you are a lot like your mother!!!!!) Smile, and remember you are loved.
Life is hard and I am so glad you wrote this post. There is a big difference between complaining and being honest. I think sometimes blogs became a glamified writing of only the happy things that happen in our lives, but I like it when blogs are just real. I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this before I had Aspen and I really think it is one of the hardest trials a women can go through. But you are right you have many miracles in your life and you will get through this! We are praying for you.
I can imagine your experience is one of the most difficult that a woman can experience and it's so hard to see family members and friends struggle with that heart ache. But you remain so positive all the time -- I feel like I'd be wanting to yell and punch things all the time. You and Pete are in our prayers. We're excited to see you at Snowbird!
Anne,
you are definitely not alone! I haven't talked with you in forever and obviously don't know how much you have researched options but I would love to share with you what I've learned. i don't have your e-mail otherwise i would have just done that.
if you want email me! (amyellertson@gmail.com)
love
amy
Anne- I have been meaning to comment forever!! First off- I think you are so amazing and just love you!! Life is so rough sometimes and sorry you have to go through this trial! Trusting the Lord's timing and having patience is what it's all about- which is obviously what you are doing! One thing that helps me through the hard times is to try and focus on all that I have been blessed with. GOod luck Anne- I'm a strong believer in miracles too!!
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