Vulnerable

I feel so vulnerable writing this post, I have thought about it over and over and have been debating back and forth about whether or not to actually post it, but here it goes...

I want another baby-I have actually wanted one for years and haven't been able to.

I really, really don't want to seem like I am complaining-some days are just harder than others and lately things have gotten hard again.

I miscarried in February of 2009 and after that things were hard all the time. The desire for another child became all consuming-sometimes I felt like I was drowning in it. I put walls up around my heart to block out any emotion because I got SO tired of feeling the pain of it breaking each month. I welcomed the stress of applying to law school because it completely distracted me and helped my heart to heal a little bit. I have decided my coping mechanism of feeling numb all the time isn't very healthy so I am trying to let myself hope again. But learning how to hope again is so scary because it opens me back up to feeling things that make me raw inside...

Life is hard, definitely not perfect, not easy, but it can still be wonderful. I know there are things I am learning thru this experience and am so grateful for the gospel to know there is a plan that is so much greater than my understanding. Miracles do happen, I just have to be patient...And I realize the miracles may not be what I expect or want, but they have already happened and will continue to happen.

I am not writing this to get sympathy, or for you to feel bad for me, I want to write this in case there is someone who reads my blog that is going to thru the same thing. I think too often we only post the good things, but no life is perfect and I just want others to know they are not alone in difficult times.

I have fallen in love....

... with running in the freezing cold. I always looked at the people who ran when it was 20 degrees and thought they were crazy and now I have become one of those crazies:) Usually when the cold weather comes I just run on the treadmill-which I kind of hate-but this year I invested in some real running clothes and I can't believe how much I LOVE running outside in the cold. I am sure the people I pass probably wonder why I have the biggest cheesy grin on my face, but I don't care, I am enjoying looking psycho. I just wish I could warm up after I come inside....

the other half

When I asked pete if I could get a plane ticket for my birthday to go to San Francisco to see the other half of the art exhibit i saw in August, he was in shock (usually I just ask for clothes that I have usually already purchased:) ). My sister and 2 of her friends came along and we had SUCH a great time. We went on some really incredible runs-such a great way to see a city-biked over golden gate bridge and down to Fisherman's Wharf, went to the art exhibit and shopped. I loved spending time with my older sis and her friends, but was so sad it didn't work out for my friend Margaret to come at the last min. We had perfect weather-it was 75 and sunny in Nov, but I sure was happy to see my boys when I got home.

A little bit late...

I know halloween was 2 weeks ago, but things got a little crazy around here and so I am just getting around to posting these pictures. This was the first halloween that Ryan actually "got" the glory of trick-or-treating! It was so much fun to see him run from house to house with his friends, and this year he actually wanted to go to more that 2 houses without crying. Lucky for us, Ry forgot about most of his candy after the next day-which is probably best considering the whole teeth fiasco. Pete did tell me though that I was the evil halloween mom since I sent Ry to the house that gave out full candy bars twice:)













all pics from my iphone

genetics

When I was pregnant with Ryan I had to get some dental work done. While I was there the dentist said to me in a very loving tone, "I really hope that your baby doesn't get your genes when it come to teeth (I get cavities super easy), let's hope he gets your husband's genes (Pete has had 1 cavity his entire life)."

Well we found out today that the genetic lottery was not in Ryan's favor...
8 cavities-8!!!! I promise we brush his teeth :(
Possible crown (who knew they even did that on baby teeth)
An Anesthesiologist will have to brought in

So much worse than we ever imagined...

Ry's New Best Friends

We, along with the rest of Utah, spent fall break in Disneyland. We partied with Pete's mom, his younger sister and our 3 nieces. It was magical:)

The best thing about being 4 years old

For Ry, one word sums up the best part about being 4 years old-SPIDERMAN! I asked him what his favorite thing about being four was and all he could tell me was "Spiderman". He current obsession made it super easy to buy him presents and his excitement for every little thing makes it so fun to celebrate with him. We still have to set a date for his spiderman/chuck-e-cheese (help me) birthday party, but we've had a great few days celebrating this wonderful, stubborn, passionate, determined, strong-willed and incredible little boy! Happy Birthday Ryan!

I can't help but smile....

...every time I look at this picture. Ry was "learning" to roller-skate:)

p.s. sorry for the large picture-it was my first time posting from my phone and I haven't quite figured it out yet:)

Randomness

Some of the random things we have been up to lately

In August, I went to San Francisco with my parents and little sister-first on our list-a chocolate stop:)




I loved this art exhibit so much I am going back in November to see the other half.




My dad surprised us all and got tickets to see the play




Day trip to Arches







Ry's first day of preschool-I couldn't get him to look at me or make a normal face




The wedding of a really, really good life long friend-I don't know if I have EVER been so happy for someone!





Happy Thursday!!!